Had my breast MRI yesterday. It was an interesting experience (I’ve never had an MRI of any type before).  Laying on one’s stomach, with a hard bar between the boobs, arms raised above the head for 25+ minutes.  And when the dye was injected into my arm halfway through the process, I had a hard time not moving…such a weird, cold, wet feeling - and an odd smell that made me have a strange spinning/floating out-of-body sensation.  All while stuck in a giant tube filled with magnets making jackhammering noises.  But I mastered it and didn’t move once - gold star!

So now, we wait…again.

If the MRI reveals anything…unexpected…I will then most likely be getting a PET scan, etc, prior to surgery. If it seems straightforward - a single tumor, not too much invasion of surrounding tissue, etc - then we will just progress with surgery on June 15th and evaluate the post-surgical treatment options with an oncologist after final pathology reports and staging of the cancer is complete.  

I should have a call regarding the MRI results by Wednesday of next week. So, my plan is to try to get a lot of stuff done this weekend to help eat up this horrendous waiting time & keep my mind off of worst case scenario play-by-plays running through my head. 

Okay, I’m laughing.

That is, to reconstruct or not to reconstruct the boob.  This is my current conundrum, leading me to hours of endless internet research (my specialty).

I’m probably about 60/40 at the moment, with “no reconstruction” in the lead. But I’m really torn.

On the one hand, my feminist side says eff ‘em. No one should be judged on body shape, and my sense of self-worth does not rely on whether I have boobs or not. Besides, mine are pretty small as it is, so it wouldn’t even be that big a difference. And insurance provides custom-made prosthetic inserts, for clothing and bathing suit fit, etc.

On the other hand, I’m young, and, well…boobs. Our society puts an inordinate amount of importance on mammaries.  I mean, just look at friggin’ “Game of Thrones” - boobs can turn a would-be king into a slobbering idiot in less than 2 seconds flat. As ridiculous as that is, it’s fact…and it’s kinda fun to have that power (any woman who claims otherwise is most definitely lying or has psychological issues).

If I were single, it would be a no-brainer, or at least more like 20/80 in favor of reconstruction (there are always some cons with that route). But I’m not single, nor plan on ever being so again (unless something horrible happens), and my husband will still love me just as much no matter what I decide. But will it be selfish of me to take that aspect of my body away from him? Because I’m not single, it’s not just me who lives with the decision…but of course, it’s my body so it is ultimately my decision.

Ugh, it’s definitely a conundrum.

Appointments made for the coming weeks:

May 21st - Phone convo with primary care physician; asking for referral to Oncologist, nutritionist, PET scan, etc. Maybe something to help with anxiety, just in case.

May 25th - Appointment with plastic surgeon to discuss reconstruction options, if I decide to go that route.

June 7th - Pre-op counseling to do final blood tests, etc, before surgery

June 15th - Bilateral mastectomy surgery, after which the tumor and lymph nodes will be sent for a final pathology report.

And there’s going to be an MRI at some point as well, just haven’t heard back from them yet to schedule it.

My main concern through all of this is not myself, it’s my 3 1/2 year old son.  Normally I wouldn’t be too worried, as my husband works from home and shares childcare responsibilities, but he also has to tie up some loose ends with a couple projects before the shit *really* starts hitting the fan (operation, post-op, chemo sessions, etc), so he will be out of town for a week, 2 weeks before the surgery date.  Not only do I have all these appointments & paperwork to fill out (one being my Advanced Directives booklet - yikes, that really makes it hit home), etc, I also have a few things to finish up with the house remodel and our business paperwork, so I am really not going to be available much for my son.  And we can’t afford full-time daycare right now, and I really hate just turning on the TV.  Gotta add “check into local cancer services” to my list for next week to see if any offer childcare services.

I’m so lucky though - so many friends have stepped forward to offer to help and keep Dax’s life as normal as possible through this. A couple are planning to come all the way from Texas!  I have never felt so loved - it sucks that it has to be during such a crappy time, but I guess that’s what friends are for…speaking of which, my husband is really holding up his end of the “through sickness” part of the marriage deal, between this and the pregnancy/pre-eclampsia/HELLP ordeal.  So lucky to have him. So lucky. 

Where can I get this???

(via marcyeaker)

Well, today’s appointment didn’t really answer many questions.  I met with the breast surgeon, who basically just confirmed what I already was suspecting.  Double mastectomy suggested, since it’s triple negative and there’s a strong suspicion of genetic mutation of some sort.  Mid-June is the projected surgery date.  

He also referred me to a plastic surgeon to discuss the pros and cons of immediate reconstruction (meaning they reconstruct the breasts at the same time as the double mastectomy), waiting to reconstruct (2 separate surgeries), or skipping reconstruction altogether and just relying on prosthetics to make clothes fit right (seems like a bit of a hassle). 

I will also be getting a breast MRI of both boobs in the next couple weeks to try to pin down the tumor size a bit better & make 100% sure that there are no other tumors growing.

My main concern at this point is that I haven’t had a chance to talk to an oncologist yet.  The surgeon said it would be a bit of a waste of time at this point, as they won’t know more about the tumor and the stage of the cancer until it is removed from my body, along with a few lymph nodes. BUT I’ve been reading that pre-operative (neoadjuvant) chemotherapy treatments can be very beneficial in a “triple negative” / aggressive situation, as it will show which chemo medications are making an effect, if any, as well as begin to treat before it can grow any larger or spread.  If the chemo isn’t given until after surgery, we just have to cross our fingers that it’s doing something beneficial.

The surgeon’s opinion is that this cancer has been in my body for at least 5 years, so waiting a month shouldn’t cause any issues, but I think I’m going to call tomorrow and ask to be referred to an oncologist anyway, just to make 100% sure I’m covering all my bases.

So, at my genetics consult today I found out that I hit another low-odds “jackpot” of-a-sort…my tumor is the “triple negative” type of invasive ductal carcinoma.  Only about 10-15% of all breast cancers diagnosed are this type.  It means it is not hormone or Herceptin receptive, thus it limits the treatment options, is especially aggressive, etc etc etc.  I will just link an explanation: Click Here

We will find out even more tomorrow morning at the surgical consult.

Apparently, most genetically induced cancers are triple negative, so that, combined with my very young age & my mother’s double breast cancers, led the counselor to refer me to get blood drawn for the BRCA-1 and BRCA-2 tests (even though my mother’s genetic testing came back negative for those).  If these also come back negative for me, she is going to re-evaluate and probably refer me to get tested for a few other known cancer genes, rather than just the breast cancer specific ones.  In addition, she ordered up a string of “thrombosis” testing to see if I possess a genetic mutation that leads to a higher chance of blood clots (which would explain my pre-eclampsia during pregnancy, as well as my sister’s battles with deep vein thrombosis).  Cancer tumors cause an increased chance for blood clots anyway, so if any of those tests come back positive, they will put me on a blood thinner. 

And so…more waiting…

Many people are fond of asking, “Why me?” Honestly, I have never seen the benefit of adopting that attitude. But then, I have always embraced chaos and coincidence, rather than fate and preordainment. Plus, feeling sorry for one’s self is for losers.

Genetic counseling appointment today; in which they will decide whether I should take a blood test to determine if genetic mutation is behind all this. If that is the case, removal of both boobs and both ovaries is recommended.

This picture just made my night.

So, I’m pretty much a walking statistic. My body has betrayed me 3 times now.

It all started at age 6 months, when I contracted a near-lethal case of the chicken pox; at one point my fever was at 106 degrees. Then, one of the pox got infected and sent bacteria into my left shoulder joint, causing me to lose movement of my shoulder.  It took nearly a month of hospital observation for anyone to figure out what was going on (luckily I was at one of the best children’s hospitals in the world, Boston Children’s).  They finally operated and found out that it was something called “septic arthritis.” They aerated and scraped and sewed me back up, and I have a huge scar to prove it.  

Odds of this happening to an infant: WAY<1%

Everything was great until age 30, when, in my 30th week of pregnancy, I developed serious Pre-Eclampsia (extremely high blood pressure brought on by pregnancy) and HELLP syndrome (which affects the liver).  My son had to be taken from me in week 31 to save my life, and I have the physical and mental scars to prove it.

Odds of contracting both prior to the 34th week of pregnancy: WAY<1%

Yesterday, May 7th, 2012, I was diagnosed with Invasive Ductal Carcinoma after I found a lump in my right breast on April 10th.  Yes; I’m 34, and I have breast cancer.  

Odds of contracting breast cancer prior to age 40: WAY<1%

I feel like Primrose Everdeen must have felt when her name was drawn at her very first Reaping (odds: WAY<1%).  

But, like Prim, who had her sister Katniss to save her, I am lucky.  I have played the odds and survived twice before.  I have tons of friends and family in my corner.  I have good health insurance (just in time, thank GOODNESS). I have fantastic doctors who really seem to care. I have a mother who has survived this nasty disease twice before and is still going strong. And I have the support of thousands of other women who have gone through this.

I will find out what stage and whether it’s hormone receptive (etc) at my surgical consult appointment on May 16th.  

Am I scared? Hell yes.  Will I survive? The odds are in my favor.